To be or not to be? There is no question!

I was going to title this note, "To be or not to be", in reference to how I was feeling about Kitten. As in, do I need to be this person? Am I making a choice, or am I answering a call? I thought the quote was a good way to illustrate my feelings about it, I thought I should check out the original soliloquy to refresh my memory to what it is expressing. After reading it I felt it was too dark and depressed to be applied to what I consider a happy expression of self. I read the follow up interpretation of Shakespeares words and was at first reinforced in my conviction not to use it for my title.

“The essential purport of the world-famous monologue in Hamlet is, in condensed form, that our state is so wretched that complete non-existence would be decidedly preferable to it. Now if suicide actually offered us this, so that the alternative "to be or not to be" lay before us in the full sense of the words, it could be chosen unconditionally as a highly desirable termination ("a consummation devoutly to be wish'd" [Act III, Sc. I.]). There is something in us, however, which tells us that this is not so, that this is not the end of things, that death is not an absolute annihilation.[3]”

My first thoughts when reading this were that I don't feel that my existance is wretched at all and that I would not choose non-existance because of my feelings about Kitten. I also do not feel that suicide is ever an option and would not consider death a desirable alternative to coming out as Kitten. As for the third point, I completely agree that death is not a complete annihilation. And upon reading that line I realized why the original quote WAS in fact relevant after all! Metaphorically speaking I am contemplating whether to attempt a suicide of sorts in regard to Kitten, by denying her existance I would be attempting to kill the part of me that she is the manifestation of. Yet if death is not an absolute annihilation then I would most certainly be ensuring a life of being self-repressed and most likely as a consequence I would be miserable and feel as though I was not whole. I then look back at the first two parts of the statement and realize that my existance WOULD become wretched if I were to spend it denying Kitten and the pleasure I derive from becoming her. As for suicide I still don't see it as an option, very much in the same way I do not consider not being Kitten an option!

Kitten is a part of me that I have not acknowledged until recently. I am comfortable as Kitten and with her as my persona, though admittedly I am nervous about the general publics response to me. I am also a bit shy about letting everyone in my own little world know about Kitten, though so far the people I have shared her with in my life have been very supportive which makes it so much easier. I know I have a long way to go before I will be completely ready to go out everywhere I would normally go while I am Kitten, but I know now that it is not optional that I be Kitten. Kitten and I are one and the same, two sides to the same coin, the Yoni and Lingum of "I". I am excited to see where this exploration takes me, I just bought a journal today so I can write down the feelings and thoughts that come to me when I am away from the computer. I want to delve as deep into this as I can nd I find that stream of conciousness writing works well for me when dissecting my psyche. I should retire for the evening, until next time fare thee well friends!Sincerely,

Kitten.