It has been ten days since my last post and a lot has happened in that time. I have had the opportunity to talk to a number of my friends about what they think of my exploration; as well as had the opportunity to see how strangers respond to seeing a man in women's clothing. Most importantly I have learned that I am soon to be a new father! I am incredibly happy about it and I have been looking forward to being a dad for many years. I am a little surprised that it happened on the same day that I discovered that there was more to my personality than the man I had become. Perhaps there is something to the fact that I have not felt as complete as I do now that I am celebrating my feminity, as though my lack of acknowledgement somehow limited my capabilities as a man...
It seems to me that the majority of people have never been exposed to an individual who is trying to determine their orientation, be it a transvestite, transsexual, or any of the variations between. I have encountered a common thread of thought which is that if a man or a woman decides to wear clothing of the opposite sex that they must not be sure of their sexuality. In some cases this is true, I have read accounts of people who have felt their whole life that they have been given the wrong body/gender and struggle to come to a place of understanding and comfortability with their sex.
In my personal experience I have not questioned whether I am a man or a woman at heart; I have always known that I am a man who generally dislikes masculinity and how it is usually expressed. I have always found that I much prefer the company of women and have envied their diversity of expression. The accesssories, the clothing, the colour and the make up. I want to be treated softly, to be emotional and sensitive without being called a sissy, to dance and to sing, to be a nurturer and be nurtured.
It would seem that I am saying that it is not possible for a man to express himself, or to be kind and considerate. That a man is not allowed to cry or show weakness when he feels pain, and is limited to the primary colour wheel when dressing--suits and boots, son, that's all! It would seem that I am saying all women are soft and delicate, fickle and addicted to fashion and esthetics. Neither seeming is accurate as what I am expressing is generalizations, stereotypes, social norms, common attitudes, not my personal beliefs, values or opinions. Which is where I find my personal challenge; I am of a minority in a majority rules world.
The fact that I enjoy wearing women's clothing and presenting a feminine personae while doing it is often looked at as deviant inapropriate behaviour, as perverted or dirty, as being a negative influence on children, and wrongfully assumed to be sexually motivated. For me dressing as Kitten is an expression of my more feminine self, an opportunity to experience life in a different way and is no more inappropriate than being as manly as I can be. I have found that while being Kitten I feel more expressive and communicative, gentler, kinder, more attentive and nurturing. I consider the transformation to be a positive one in all ways, I feel attractive, I feel like a good person, I am comfortable. I like the way my body responds to being in women's attire; I sway when I walk, I hold my head up, my posture is correct, I even feel lighter on my feet.
As Kitten I do have sexual appetites, but I am not sexually stimulated strictly by getting dressed as a woman. Not that I think that should make any difference, people turn themselves on by looking their best all the time! So I guess I am saying that no, I don't believe that I should "keep it in the bedroom"; I wish to be accepted as I choose to express myself, you don't have to be my friend but at least give me the same respect that is afforded to any other human being walking down the street. I want to be able to go out dressed as a woman without the fear that I am going to be beat up by some bigot who had a bad day. Is that to much to ask? I guess it is no different than it is for women fearing to walk in certain areas after dark, or having to put up with all manner of verbal and physical abuse when they go to a bar.
As a final comment I want to say that I believe that it is far more likely, in this century, to be a positive thing for children to be exposed to different types of people and gender choices, particularly within their own family. There is so much diversity in our world with race, gender, religion, sexuality and cultural values, that it is imperative that we raise our children to be open-minded and compassionate. With what is sometimes called a global community as our current state of affairs, we are all being exposed to value judgements, and personal choices that we may have never even believed would be considered "normal". I believe it is a fantastic boost to a child's social skills to interact with as many individual people and their individual life choices as possible; including but not limited to those relating to gender and sexuality.
We all make choices every day, this is a skill we are born with, a necessity to life, something that children can do without us sheltering them from other peoples ideas, or trying to make their choices for them. Kids can figure out what they do and don't feel is right, and until my kids tell me that they are not comfortable with me dressing as a woman, I will continue to do so in their company. Who knows? One day one of them may want to become a politician in the Conservative party and I will be there to support them, regardless of my personal feelings about Conservatives...
Kitten
Thor and Loki in Drag
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